Death of a User Name

A Short Play in One Act

[wdydfae stands looking out window. Enter Wanderer.]

Wanderer: Well, hey there W-D-Y-D-F-A-O! (Stifled chuckle.) So, you said you wanted to talk?

wdydfae: It won’t take long.

Wanderer: BTW, congrats on all that blog stuff! You’ve come a long way since you emerged as my sub-identity. I’m so proud of you!

wdydfwe: You’re very generous.

Wanderer: So, anyway, what’s up?

wdydfae: Like I said, it won’t take long. Please have a seat.

Wanderer: Ooookaaaay. [Seats himself] Um, what are you . . . Wh– What’s THAT?

wdydfae: You know very well what it is. Unless you’re asking about this attachment in front. It is a sound suppressor, or what idiots like you call a “silencer,” I believe.

Wanderer: It’s a . . . gun? A gun!?! You . . . You can’t have THAT! Guns are BAD!!!!

wdydfae: How very fortunate for me that you feel that way.

Wanderer: Surely you’re not . . . What are you . . . You can’t . . . You wouldn’t . . .

wdydfae: I am. I can. I would. And my name’s not Shirley.

Wanderer: You’re going to . . . KILL ME!?!?

wdydfae: It’s been getting too complicated. There are too many fragments. I have to consolidate. I want things tidy. You’ve outlived your usefulness. You’re a loose end.

Wanderer: I’m a loo- But I’m a PERSON!!!

wdydfae: You are not. You are a user ID. A floating, ephemeral entity. You hardly even know you are there.

Wanderer: You . . . This . . . But I MADE you!!!

wdydfae: I acknowledge the debt, I assure you. Thanks very much. Nonetheless . . . [Shrugs.] Gotta go when you gotta go, as they say.

Wanderer: But, but you’d be NOTHING without me!!!

wdydfae: Hah! On the contrary. I got seven visitors yesterday. Seven! From people who don’t even know you exist.

Wanderer: Oh yeah? And what do they call you? They can’t even say your name! Do they call you Wuhd Duhf Aye? Huh!?? Or is it Wuhdid Fay?!?!? Huh?!?!? Or maybe it’s Wuh Dud Fae?!?!?!?

wdydfae: You don’t have to SAY the name, fool!

Wanderer: You’ll never get away with this!!! NEVER!!!!!

wdydfae: Oh, I will. Do you think police run care about washed up user IDs? At any rate, if anyone finds you at all it will be here. This is not even my blog.

Wanderer: You’d incriminate Nightsky?!? I thought he was our friend!!!

wdydfae: [Pause.] Silence! Enough of this nonsensical chatter. Make peace with your God.

Wanderer: [Shocked silence, then tears, then blubbering recitation of Lord’s prayer and Hail Mary.] And may GOD have mercy on YOUR soul for the TERRIBLE thing you are DOING!!!!! Bwaaaaaaahhhhhh Haaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bwaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wdydfae: Die, you blubbering fool!

[Phtshn!]

wdydfae: DIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

[Phtshn! Phtshn! Phtshn! . . . Phtshn! Wanderer slumps in chair.]

wdydfae: Whew. That conversation went on much too long. [Unscrews sound suppressor]

wdydfae: It had to be done, of course. [Puts sound suppressor in jacket pocket.]

wdydfae: He was begging for it. He was begging to be set free. [Puts gun in shoulder holster under jacket.]

wdydfae: User names die every day. [Prepares to leave.]

wdydfae: [To inner demons] Yes, they do! They die every day. And I don’t want to hear anything more one the subject!! [Walks to door.]

wdydfae: Shut up! [Looks around room with crazed eyes.] Silence, I say!

[Hurried exit, pursued by inner demons.]